First 10K-Ramblings and Lessons Learned

Finished my first 10K last night. My time was 1:05:03. It was such a great feeling. I got so hot and tired I thought I was going to either pass out or puke. I learned that, when experienced runners tell you not to change ANYTHING, believe them! I did not use my normal running water bottle with a squeeze top lid and kept splashing water up my nose when I tried to get a drink. Also, I used my brand new headphones……..that didn’t work at all, YIKES!

Running has taught me to believe in myself. It has given me strength and dignity and respect and an outlet for stress. I thank God for the wonder of his plan to give us things like this to help us connect with ourselves and Him in a new and incredible way. I was so proud of the ladies in my running group that ran with me. We got to have a long conversation and I realized that every single one has self-image issues. These are the most gorgeous, beautiful women, inside and out. Each told me how pretty I am and I did not believe them. I told them they are beautiful, but they did not believe me either! It never ceases to amaze me that every woman I know has this feeling. Where does it come from? Is it something that was said or done to us as a child? Is it the media’s fault? Is it that we compare ourselves to others too much? Is it a spiritual attack by a spiritual enemy? Or, is it something we are born with because of the fall of man that we continually contend with throughout our lifetime?

Although I’m not sure what the cause is, I am sure of the solution. We must begin to find our worth and value in Christ. I’m not talking about a surface level knowledge. I’m talking about a gut-wrenching, core realization that we were “fearfully and wonderfully made”. That God has a purpose and a plan for our lives; that it is incredible to be a woman of God and walk in the calling his has in our life; that it is okay to like ourselves without being prideful; that when our significant other says we are perfect, believe it.

 I don’t believe we really FEEL the depth of God’s unconditional love……… When you finally FEEL that he loves you regardless, it changes you for good. I wish I could help my fellow divas to experience the feeling of not only being okay with their life and their bodies, but experience what it is like to enjoy their bodies and revel in their lives. To be content as they are, today. And to look at each second as a gift and their body is a vessel that is going to make the life God planned for them possible. We are so quick to deflect a genuine compliment and be negative, but you are what you think you are. I am so blessed to be a part of this running group. I learned so much from my race last night. Funny how it’s never the lesson I expect to learn, but it is always the lesson God intended for me to learn.

Freedom

This weekend, I planned my schedule very full. It is the middle of winter, and it is supposed to be a relatively warm weekend. I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that I'm enjoying my life... I can plan my schedule however I want. I have made the decision to put my children in God's hands when they visit their dad, and ENJOY the time.

The unexpected side of this divorce is FREEDOM. I know that God would never cause a divorce to happen. In fact, I'm sure it broke his heart. But, now that I am single, I'm free to follow where he leads. I almost feel like a teenager who has just moved out of their parents house. I have never been by myself for this long. What I've discovered is that none of the names I was called are true... I'm not stupid. I'm not too sensitive. I'm not "just like my mother". I'm not afraid of everything. I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a #)$% or a @!)&%, or any other vulgar word you can think of. My dreams are not idiotic, and I don't deserve to be pushed, shoved, choked, or verbally battered.

It's the little things that mean so much to me. For example, watching a movie all the way through without having someone change it without asking. Cooking my favorite meal without someone refusing to eat it. Taking a walk in the afternoon without it being a criminal act. Most of all, being able to go to church on a Sunday morning and Sunday night without getting lambasted for it.

I'm not saying things were always terrible because they weren't, or I would not have had my children. But the bad made my life a matter of survival. It has been a difficult journey to leave that place of survival in my mind, and join the land of the living. I can feel the Lord holding my hand through it all, and making clear the paths he wants me to walk in. I can feel the warmth of healing taking place in my mind and my emotions. I'm taking in who HE says I am and letting go of the lies that have been forced into my brain over the past 16 years. The life I'm experiencing now is so abundant and full! Our Father is so creative. Every day he finds a new way to show me that he loves me......

David said in Psalms 27:13 "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living". I am seeing the goodness of the Lord.... He is giving me an abundant life, and I am so grateful for the FREEDOM to serve him completely. The overflow is JOY that continues to bubble up at the most mundane things and the most inopportune times. I am truly a blessed person.

Dating..

So, the question was asked tonight at Divorce Recovery what it would take for me to date again....

I've been thinking about that lately. I guess watching the Andy Stanley series on Love, Sex, and Dating sort of makes you think about an entire HOST of things.

My first response was that the person would have to be passionate about their relationship with Christ.

The truth is, my views on dating and remarriage are in a state of change right now. Being a single mom with three kids complicates things as well. On top of that, I have bills that I do not have enough money to pay and my job is anything but secure. Not exactly every single man's dream girl!

There is something else though................ I'm really starting to enjoy being with........myself. As crazy as it sounds, most days, I'm having a blast just being ME. I don't have to impress anyone. I don't have to answer to anyone. I can go hang out with my friends for hours and don't have to call anyone. More importantly, I am free to serve wherever and when ever God leads. If I want to volunteer somewhere I can!!

Some days, life is incredibly hard. Some days, I don't know how I'm going to make it to bed time. Some days, I get extremely lonely for companionship and all that comes with it. But, God has proven himself faithful to me. He is there with me through it all.

If, some day, he chooses to bring me a husband, I'm open to that. But, I'm complete NOW, and that is a GREAT feeling!!!

New Year's

As I ponder all that has happened over the last year, I am amazed at where God has brought me from. I am so thankful for all that God is teaching me. I feel like I have entered a time in my life when God is growing me, training me, and purifying me. I love it!!!

He is convicting me to repair the breaches in my life. I have a mission and a purpose in my life. My direction is clear, even if the path to get there is not.

Earlier this week, I was overcome with the feeling that God does have a mate for me at some point in the future. I have prayed about it a multitude of times. I have been thinking about what I want in a future spouse; someone who loves Jesus Christ with everything in them, someone who loves their children and would be a Godly example to my children, someone who has a vision and a purpose for their life, and someone who is passionate about me and having a Christ-like marriage.

The thing is, God desires those qualities in ME. I need to ask MYSELF those questions. Am I loving God with all that is within me? Am I loving my children and being a good mother to them? Do I have a purpose and a vision for my life? Am I passionate about preparing for a Christ-like marriage?

You see, God is not so much worried about whether we are single, married, widowed, divorced, etc.......... He cares about our relationship with him. His ultimate goal is not our happiness, shocking as that sounds. Our purpose on this earth is to bring him glory. The only way to do so is to become his hands and feet. We can bring his love to others. We are the way he chooses to show himself to a lost and dying world. No matter where we find ourselves in life, we can always choose to be a servant. We can choose to let God be glorified in our lives.............

All my life I've heard these things, but now......I'm living it! My purpose, my mission is to seek God in ALL that I do.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths". That is my goal for this new year.

My prayer is that my walk with Christ will deepen to the point that, especially my children, will see the difference in me and will trust Christ too!!

I John 3:1-3 says, "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore, the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure".

In addition, III John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth".

When you have a mission, there is always the temptation to lose focus. Please pray for me, that my focus will be on Christ and what he is doing in my life. I need strength and wisdom to live out the plan that he has for me. I pray that any distractions would be removed, and that the Holy Spirit will be my protector and will enable me to do every good work that God has designed me to perform.

That is my prayer for you too...

The most exciting thing to me is that, for the past few years, all that God has told me to do is to stand still and not grow weary. Now, his message has changed. Now, his message is for me to make HIM my husband. To move into the calling that he has on my life, and to a greater time of faith and learning to trust him, and to learn to hear him and follow him completely. This is a year of action rather than patient waiting. This is a year to move forward boldly in the power of the Holy Spirit and take back the land that has been stolen by the enemy in the past. Make no mistake about it, there will be battles. But God has caused flowers to bloom in the middle of the desert. He has taken my brokeness and pain and turned into a future and a hope that is unshakable.

More Fear

The hardest thing for me during this season of healing is not having my kids home part of the time. It's so surreal dropping them off and picking them up from their dad's house. It's also really strange to think of my former mate as "their dad" rather than "my husband", although somewhere along the way, he has become just that to me emotionally. The grief has lessened as I have learned how to let go and move forward, but there are still occasional moments when I feel resentful at having to share them............with him and his newest girlfriend.

I was pondering that last night and realized that, although I have forgiven him, the root of this feeling is that I worry that they will like it better at his house and want to move in with him. I require them to do chores, I call them on their behavior, I expect them to do their homework, etc......... Dad's house is a series of expensive gifts, trips to the skating rink, and bonfires (all things he never would do when we were married). My fear threatens to suffocate me at times.

Is it possible that my worst fear could come true? YES!! It has a significant statistical likelihood of happening. The question then is what do I do? I am choosing to do the only thing I can. The same thing that God has taught me to do with all my fears........seek the Lord. We, as humans, actually have very little control over the people around us. The only person we can control is ourselves, and we do a bang-up job of that most of the time. We NEED Christ. We NEED to pour ourselves into him and say "Whatever comes, God is with me".

Believe it or not, I have work to do on my own self. In fact, fixing my issues will keep me busy until the Lord takes me home. Rather than panicking and worrying about my fear, I need to ask if my home is a place that children would want to be in. Is it safe? Do I love them unconditionally? Do I teach them right from wrong? Do I spend time with them individually and as a family just talking and laughing and being silly? Do I provide tasty and healthy meals for them and let them help with the cooking? Do they have friends here that can visit when boredom sets in?

I know it's not possible to be perfect but I have so much more that I could do to connect with my kids on an emotional level. That is what I choose to think about and act on, rather than operate out of fear. The only way past fear is to let go of it and allow God to be God and focus on the things that he is calling me to do.

I feel like Job when he said "For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters. For the thing I feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came". ~Job 3:24-26

If that verse is true, these verses bring me comfort that surpasses any fear that remains. "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him. The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." ~Psalms 34:4-10

It is a good thing to seek the Lord. It brings peace and comfort and joy and a purpose for living. There have been so many times that things were so awful in my marriage and since my marriage ended, but there has been one constant in my life.... God has always been there. I cannot count the number of times that I have fallen apart and he has always been there to hold me and comfort me and lift my face up and help me to go on. I would encourage you to turn to him, if you are experiencing emotional pain today. I promise he will meet you right where you are and be God to you!

Changes.............

For those of you who do not know....... I am now a divorced woman. I have not posted here regularly because I have been in severe emotional upheaval. Things did not work out, and maybe someday, when the time is right, I will elaborate. For now, the wounds are still fresh, the future uncertain. The only things that have carried me through are Jesus, my family, and my friends.

I am still grieving the loss, but I'm also excited about the future. I plan to focus on my kids and serving God in whatever capacity that is.

Looking back over my life, I can clearly see the hand of God. He has brought me so far! When I think of him, all I can manage to do is fall down on my knees and thank him for having a plan, for picking me up when I fall, and for loving me unconditionally. What an honor to live my life for him!

Eternal Life

I just thought I'd share something that happened a few days ago. I was thinking
about death and having to face Jesus. I was feeling really scared and wondering
if I'd done enough. All of a sudden, I had an image come into my head of Jesus
standing there with his arms open. Every time I started to tally up my good vs
bad deeds, the image would return. I finally got the message.... He is WAITING
for me to come home. All the good, bad, and ugly will stay here on earth. My
Savior is standing there waiting for me to come home. Jesus already completed
his mission here on earth, now it's my turn. He is here in spirit (Holy Ghost)
helping me through this journey. And when it's over, I'll be with him...period,
end of sentence.

My physical flesh acts like a prison. It keeps me in the shadows where things
sometimes become fuzzy and confused. I am living in the domain of evil. The
lures of the flesh are almost like being tortured. Sometimes we do things that
are wrong before we even catch ourselves or realize that it's wrong.

The Father knew that, and he planned for that, and sent his Son to make a way
for us to be made clean. Jesus went back to heaven, but he left the Holy Spirit
here to act as a guide through the many pitfalls in life. The HS keeps us on
the right track. When life is over, I will shed this flesh and go be with HIM!

What a blessing when God puts peace in our hearts and lets us know that we are
his! I didn't speak in tongues or become hysterical, it was just the sweet,
presence of God's spirit that spoke to my heart. That's what it's about.
That's what Paul and the apostles tried to get across over and over and over
again in the New Testament. Men get tripped up over doctrine, and when they do,
they completely miss God's plan for Salvation and life with him.