Thursday, December 29, 2011

More Fear

The hardest thing for me during this season of healing is not having my kids home part of the time. It's so surreal dropping them off and picking them up from their dad's house. It's also really strange to think of my former mate as "their dad" rather than "my husband", although somewhere along the way, he has become just that to me emotionally. The grief has lessened as I have learned how to let go and move forward, but there are still occasional moments when I feel resentful at having to share them............with him and his newest girlfriend.

I was pondering that last night and realized that, although I have forgiven him, the root of this feeling is that I worry that they will like it better at his house and want to move in with him. I require them to do chores, I call them on their behavior, I expect them to do their homework, etc......... Dad's house is a series of expensive gifts, trips to the skating rink, and bonfires (all things he never would do when we were married). My fear threatens to suffocate me at times.

Is it possible that my worst fear could come true? YES!! It has a significant statistical likelihood of happening. The question then is what do I do? I am choosing to do the only thing I can. The same thing that God has taught me to do with all my the Lord. We, as humans, actually have very little control over the people around us. The only person we can control is ourselves, and we do a bang-up job of that most of the time. We NEED Christ. We NEED to pour ourselves into him and say "Whatever comes, God is with me".

Believe it or not, I have work to do on my own self. In fact, fixing my issues will keep me busy until the Lord takes me home. Rather than panicking and worrying about my fear, I need to ask if my home is a place that children would want to be in. Is it safe? Do I love them unconditionally? Do I teach them right from wrong? Do I spend time with them individually and as a family just talking and laughing and being silly? Do I provide tasty and healthy meals for them and let them help with the cooking? Do they have friends here that can visit when boredom sets in?

I know it's not possible to be perfect but I have so much more that I could do to connect with my kids on an emotional level. That is what I choose to think about and act on, rather than operate out of fear. The only way past fear is to let go of it and allow God to be God and focus on the things that he is calling me to do.

I feel like Job when he said "For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters. For the thing I feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came". ~Job 3:24-26

If that verse is true, these verses bring me comfort that surpasses any fear that remains. "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him. The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." ~Psalms 34:4-10

It is a good thing to seek the Lord. It brings peace and comfort and joy and a purpose for living. There have been so many times that things were so awful in my marriage and since my marriage ended, but there has been one constant in my life.... God has always been there. I cannot count the number of times that I have fallen apart and he has always been there to hold me and comfort me and lift my face up and help me to go on. I would encourage you to turn to him, if you are experiencing emotional pain today. I promise he will meet you right where you are and be God to you!

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