Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's

As I ponder all that has happened over the last year, I am amazed at where God has brought me from. I am so thankful for all that God is teaching me. I feel like I have entered a time in my life when God is growing me, training me, and purifying me. I love it!!!

He is convicting me to repair the breaches in my life. I have a mission and a purpose in my life. My direction is clear, even if the path to get there is not.

Earlier this week, I was overcome with the feeling that God does have a mate for me at some point in the future. I have prayed about it a multitude of times. I have been thinking about what I want in a future spouse; someone who loves Jesus Christ with everything in them, someone who loves their children and would be a Godly example to my children, someone who has a vision and a purpose for their life, and someone who is passionate about me and having a Christ-like marriage.

The thing is, God desires those qualities in ME. I need to ask MYSELF those questions. Am I loving God with all that is within me? Am I loving my children and being a good mother to them? Do I have a purpose and a vision for my life? Am I passionate about preparing for a Christ-like marriage?

You see, God is not so much worried about whether we are single, married, widowed, divorced, etc.......... He cares about our relationship with him. His ultimate goal is not our happiness, shocking as that sounds. Our purpose on this earth is to bring him glory. The only way to do so is to become his hands and feet. We can bring his love to others. We are the way he chooses to show himself to a lost and dying world. No matter where we find ourselves in life, we can always choose to be a servant. We can choose to let God be glorified in our lives.............

All my life I've heard these things, but now......I'm living it! My purpose, my mission is to seek God in ALL that I do.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths". That is my goal for this new year.

My prayer is that my walk with Christ will deepen to the point that, especially my children, will see the difference in me and will trust Christ too!!

I John 3:1-3 says, "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore, the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure".

In addition, III John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth".

When you have a mission, there is always the temptation to lose focus. Please pray for me, that my focus will be on Christ and what he is doing in my life. I need strength and wisdom to live out the plan that he has for me. I pray that any distractions would be removed, and that the Holy Spirit will be my protector and will enable me to do every good work that God has designed me to perform.

That is my prayer for you too...

The most exciting thing to me is that, for the past few years, all that God has told me to do is to stand still and not grow weary. Now, his message has changed. Now, his message is for me to make HIM my husband. To move into the calling that he has on my life, and to a greater time of faith and learning to trust him, and to learn to hear him and follow him completely. This is a year of action rather than patient waiting. This is a year to move forward boldly in the power of the Holy Spirit and take back the land that has been stolen by the enemy in the past. Make no mistake about it, there will be battles. But God has caused flowers to bloom in the middle of the desert. He has taken my brokeness and pain and turned into a future and a hope that is unshakable.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

More Fear

The hardest thing for me during this season of healing is not having my kids home part of the time. It's so surreal dropping them off and picking them up from their dad's house. It's also really strange to think of my former mate as "their dad" rather than "my husband", although somewhere along the way, he has become just that to me emotionally. The grief has lessened as I have learned how to let go and move forward, but there are still occasional moments when I feel resentful at having to share them............with him and his newest girlfriend.

I was pondering that last night and realized that, although I have forgiven him, the root of this feeling is that I worry that they will like it better at his house and want to move in with him. I require them to do chores, I call them on their behavior, I expect them to do their homework, etc......... Dad's house is a series of expensive gifts, trips to the skating rink, and bonfires (all things he never would do when we were married). My fear threatens to suffocate me at times.

Is it possible that my worst fear could come true? YES!! It has a significant statistical likelihood of happening. The question then is what do I do? I am choosing to do the only thing I can. The same thing that God has taught me to do with all my the Lord. We, as humans, actually have very little control over the people around us. The only person we can control is ourselves, and we do a bang-up job of that most of the time. We NEED Christ. We NEED to pour ourselves into him and say "Whatever comes, God is with me".

Believe it or not, I have work to do on my own self. In fact, fixing my issues will keep me busy until the Lord takes me home. Rather than panicking and worrying about my fear, I need to ask if my home is a place that children would want to be in. Is it safe? Do I love them unconditionally? Do I teach them right from wrong? Do I spend time with them individually and as a family just talking and laughing and being silly? Do I provide tasty and healthy meals for them and let them help with the cooking? Do they have friends here that can visit when boredom sets in?

I know it's not possible to be perfect but I have so much more that I could do to connect with my kids on an emotional level. That is what I choose to think about and act on, rather than operate out of fear. The only way past fear is to let go of it and allow God to be God and focus on the things that he is calling me to do.

I feel like Job when he said "For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters. For the thing I feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came". ~Job 3:24-26

If that verse is true, these verses bring me comfort that surpasses any fear that remains. "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him. The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." ~Psalms 34:4-10

It is a good thing to seek the Lord. It brings peace and comfort and joy and a purpose for living. There have been so many times that things were so awful in my marriage and since my marriage ended, but there has been one constant in my life.... God has always been there. I cannot count the number of times that I have fallen apart and he has always been there to hold me and comfort me and lift my face up and help me to go on. I would encourage you to turn to him, if you are experiencing emotional pain today. I promise he will meet you right where you are and be God to you!

Sunday, December 11, 2011


For those of you who do not know....... I am now a divorced woman. I have not posted here regularly because I have been in severe emotional upheaval. Things did not work out, and maybe someday, when the time is right, I will elaborate. For now, the wounds are still fresh, the future uncertain. The only things that have carried me through are Jesus, my family, and my friends.

I am still grieving the loss, but I'm also excited about the future. I plan to focus on my kids and serving God in whatever capacity that is.

Looking back over my life, I can clearly see the hand of God. He has brought me so far! When I think of him, all I can manage to do is fall down on my knees and thank him for having a plan, for picking me up when I fall, and for loving me unconditionally. What an honor to live my life for him!