First 10K-Ramblings and Lessons Learned

Finished my first 10K last night. My time was 1:05:03. It was such a great feeling. I got so hot and tired I thought I was going to either pass out or puke. I learned that, when experienced runners tell you not to change ANYTHING, believe them! I did not use my normal running water bottle with a squeeze top lid and kept splashing water up my nose when I tried to get a drink. Also, I used my brand new headphones……..that didn’t work at all, YIKES!

Running has taught me to believe in myself. It has given me strength and dignity and respect and an outlet for stress. I thank God for the wonder of his plan to give us things like this to help us connect with ourselves and Him in a new and incredible way. I was so proud of the ladies in my running group that ran with me. We got to have a long conversation and I realized that every single one has self-image issues. These are the most gorgeous, beautiful women, inside and out. Each told me how pretty I am and I did not believe them. I told them they are beautiful, but they did not believe me either! It never ceases to amaze me that every woman I know has this feeling. Where does it come from? Is it something that was said or done to us as a child? Is it the media’s fault? Is it that we compare ourselves to others too much? Is it a spiritual attack by a spiritual enemy? Or, is it something we are born with because of the fall of man that we continually contend with throughout our lifetime?

Although I’m not sure what the cause is, I am sure of the solution. We must begin to find our worth and value in Christ. I’m not talking about a surface level knowledge. I’m talking about a gut-wrenching, core realization that we were “fearfully and wonderfully made”. That God has a purpose and a plan for our lives; that it is incredible to be a woman of God and walk in the calling his has in our life; that it is okay to like ourselves without being prideful; that when our significant other says we are perfect, believe it.

 I don’t believe we really FEEL the depth of God’s unconditional love……… When you finally FEEL that he loves you regardless, it changes you for good. I wish I could help my fellow divas to experience the feeling of not only being okay with their life and their bodies, but experience what it is like to enjoy their bodies and revel in their lives. To be content as they are, today. And to look at each second as a gift and their body is a vessel that is going to make the life God planned for them possible. We are so quick to deflect a genuine compliment and be negative, but you are what you think you are. I am so blessed to be a part of this running group. I learned so much from my race last night. Funny how it’s never the lesson I expect to learn, but it is always the lesson God intended for me to learn.

Freedom

This weekend, I planned my schedule very full. It is the middle of winter, and it is supposed to be a relatively warm weekend. I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that I'm enjoying my life... I can plan my schedule however I want. I have made the decision to put my children in God's hands when they visit their dad, and ENJOY the time.

The unexpected side of this divorce is FREEDOM. I know that God would never cause a divorce to happen. In fact, I'm sure it broke his heart. But, now that I am single, I'm free to follow where he leads. I almost feel like a teenager who has just moved out of their parents house. I have never been by myself for this long. What I've discovered is that none of the names I was called are true... I'm not stupid. I'm not too sensitive. I'm not "just like my mother". I'm not afraid of everything. I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a #)$% or a @!)&%, or any other vulgar word you can think of. My dreams are not idiotic, and I don't deserve to be pushed, shoved, choked, or verbally battered.

It's the little things that mean so much to me. For example, watching a movie all the way through without having someone change it without asking. Cooking my favorite meal without someone refusing to eat it. Taking a walk in the afternoon without it being a criminal act. Most of all, being able to go to church on a Sunday morning and Sunday night without getting lambasted for it.

I'm not saying things were always terrible because they weren't, or I would not have had my children. But the bad made my life a matter of survival. It has been a difficult journey to leave that place of survival in my mind, and join the land of the living. I can feel the Lord holding my hand through it all, and making clear the paths he wants me to walk in. I can feel the warmth of healing taking place in my mind and my emotions. I'm taking in who HE says I am and letting go of the lies that have been forced into my brain over the past 16 years. The life I'm experiencing now is so abundant and full! Our Father is so creative. Every day he finds a new way to show me that he loves me......

David said in Psalms 27:13 "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living". I am seeing the goodness of the Lord.... He is giving me an abundant life, and I am so grateful for the FREEDOM to serve him completely. The overflow is JOY that continues to bubble up at the most mundane things and the most inopportune times. I am truly a blessed person.

Dating..

So, the question was asked tonight at Divorce Recovery what it would take for me to date again....

I've been thinking about that lately. I guess watching the Andy Stanley series on Love, Sex, and Dating sort of makes you think about an entire HOST of things.

My first response was that the person would have to be passionate about their relationship with Christ.

The truth is, my views on dating and remarriage are in a state of change right now. Being a single mom with three kids complicates things as well. On top of that, I have bills that I do not have enough money to pay and my job is anything but secure. Not exactly every single man's dream girl!

There is something else though................ I'm really starting to enjoy being with........myself. As crazy as it sounds, most days, I'm having a blast just being ME. I don't have to impress anyone. I don't have to answer to anyone. I can go hang out with my friends for hours and don't have to call anyone. More importantly, I am free to serve wherever and when ever God leads. If I want to volunteer somewhere I can!!

Some days, life is incredibly hard. Some days, I don't know how I'm going to make it to bed time. Some days, I get extremely lonely for companionship and all that comes with it. But, God has proven himself faithful to me. He is there with me through it all.

If, some day, he chooses to bring me a husband, I'm open to that. But, I'm complete NOW, and that is a GREAT feeling!!!